Day 154

HI!! Good evening! (Good morning, if you are that way inclined.) I think I'm going to at least try to write something here, that might actually catch your attention today. Whooo! It's been too long.......

But first, how is everyone? I got up a half hour ago from my nap and realised that I seriously need to reconsider getting a hobby (Teach ballet to 5 year olds? Knit a beanie? Study for my exams? Compile a pocket- sized joke book? Bake a cake?) and maybe getting on with life (What are the 5 most important things you carry in your heart? Who are the people you want in your life? Who are the people you DON'T want in your life? How do you know when to let go? Is it ever too late in the day to have breakfast? Why do some people let their external define their internal?).

I've spent a lot of the free time I've had on my hands the last couple of months drinking Cola and 7 Up laced with vodka, and whatever else kind of alcohol I could get my underage hands on. (Get a fake ID, young Padawan. Convenient stores become really convenient, and life is much peachier.) Today feels like the first time I've woken up in the last couple of months- There is a new mall where the soccer field used to be, my backyard is the largest compost bin I know, my dog is dead, there are at least 4 different kinds of mold growing on the dishes in the kitchen sink, I have new neighbours who are Jamaican, get what I'm trying to say? If No, it is that so much has changed.

Anyway, enough about me. No, actually, more about me. It's the topic I'm the most comfortable writing about because I know so much. Here's the story of my first love.

Ok, here goes:

He was gorgeous, the same age as I was, (slightly) taller than I was, dressed in black only, was into music that wasn't played on the radio. He was, in short, the coolest boy I'd ever met. (Bearing in mind that I'd only met 3 other boys prior to him.) For the protection of his identity here, I'll call him "Schmandrew".

After months of admiring Schmandrew from afar (if you must know, I admired from approximately 8m away), I decided that he was the one I wanted to marry. With the help of friends, we started talking and hanging out. The best part was, he "liked- liked" (pubescent slang for love) me back!

It started out with me being completely intimidated by him, and gradually escalated to the most intense first love I could ever imagine anyone having. (That's the way!) Hmmmm, thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure I held onto my feelings of intimidation all through the relationship. (Shit! Psssh, hindsight is 20/20. Live and learn.)

Nobody had ever made me laugh like Schmandrew did! All right, let's keep it real: Maybe someone had, but they weren't a boy. OR maybe they were, but were my brothers/weren't as cute? Either way, that's when I realised what it meant for me to be in love. I.e. He constantly gives you fits of laughter, he's your best friend and you want to sleep with him. But, you want to wake up next to him even more. Schmandrew made me figure out what love meant to me. (Wowzaa! This dude is on fire! What power he had over me! No wonder this blog post is so long.)

Sometimes, part of what moulds a girl into the woman she learns to grow into, are the boys (who hopefully mature into fine young men) she chooses to surround herself with. Or the lads that choose her, rule still applies. Some of the most intimate moments you experience, happen in the time you spend with the person you call your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatevs. Feeling a rush of endorphins and dopamine while you are being completely transparent with the person who makes your heart race, is a BIG deal! This sort of relationship allows for much more (or at least a different kind of) intimacy you'd experience than with your big sis or mom.

I discovered some time ago that your boyfriend/the person you have in your arms, is a reflection of yourself. Schmandrew made me so proud that we were reflecting each other. (It was way less complicated then cuz we were barely 15. Ahaha) Although in a way, it may have been more complicated emotionally. Those were very new feelings I was feeling, and everything was exciting.

Schmandrew and I went out for 2 years. Did I just say 2 years (when it REALLY was less than 2 years) to make it sound more important and impressive than it really is? I'll never know. Sometimes, I can lie to myself better than anyone could ever lie to me cause I'll always believe it.

Ultimately, Schmandrew and I could never have been together forever. I was too young. And because he was the same age as I was, he too, was too young. Moreover, the fact that you have to subtract 5 years from any boy's age to determine his real age, made him way too young. We weren't a perfect fit in general, because we just weren't. But even if we WERE, there's no way we could have been at that point in our lives (2 months ago) because I don't think our brains were fully developed yet. His probably still isn't. Jk jk! Or am I not jk'ing??

One night over the phone, I suggested we break up, in hopes that Schmandrew would shower me with love and desperation. But this was not the case! _|_ (Ahahahahha!) Instead, he just said "Ok". That night is tantamount to experiencing a death. I can still conjure the mental image of myself with a cordless phone pressed into the side of my face that night, and it can still make me cry if I let it.

Anyway, I've since been looking at my first love as a galvanometer to gauge if I've found love. Being in love and then looking for love when you are out of it, is universal. It's what songs and movies are written about.

Heh, all right. I was hoping to end my story with a BANG, but I haven't got the time now. Hopefully I'll do something about it tomorrow. Goodnight!