Don't postpone Joy

Hi guys. My Friday started out just average. (The usual. Oats............ A bowl of fruits...... Some music.........) It got really intense in the afternoon. And then, my world just about collapsed around me shortly after 9 pm. Quite coincidentally, shortly after 9 pm, was also the time the band started playing. I'm not saying that the band was the reason my world "just about collapsed around me". But, you know........ Just saying. The vocalist did have some pronunciation problems. (Leave vs lift.)

I am uncertain. What is the purpose of our past?

I have concluded that I am a slave to my own past. I let it haunt me. (Weird. Why would anyone do that?) My past turned me from Fun- loving Girl to Insecure Fruitcake. And today, all the problems of being an Insecure Fruitcake presented themselves to me.

I haven't been able to look at people with the respect they truly deserve. (The past got in the way.) It's always been "the girl who made out with my boyfriend", or "the boyfriend who made out with my friend/other girls". Sometimes, if I was feeling creative, I'd spell their names backwards. At first, it offered some comfort. But, then what? I finally understand that it's impossible to move forward with so much anger and distrust.

Where do we draw the line? How do we let go? When will it be safe again? I'm guessing when the time is right, we'll just know. We will just know. But personally speaking, I think it's somewhere after you throw Tantrum #514. If (name) is still sticking around after you've thrown 514 tantrums, you might want to write off some of (name)'s debts.

How crazy, though. The one person who really warms your heart, just has to be the same one who smashes it best. Aren't there like, billions of people in this world? I don't see why we can't afford to have separate people take responsibility for our misery and happiness. Talk about Not tapping into the large labour pool.

I think I've learned today what Love really means.

Let the healing begin.